Article Date: 13-09-2016
Earlier this year I kept getting loads of random messages on Facebook from people I didn't know or wasn't friends with. All of the messages were all in Chinese so I popped them into Google translate and low and behold they were people working for TV companies.
A little background knowledge for those of you who don't know, there are a few TV shows in Taiwan that have the sole intention (in my opinion) of making all foreigners look like the biggest bunch of morons possible.
I was getting so many messages, so I thought bollocks i'll go on and show them some foreigners lead a regular life (as in; I go to work, I have one girlfriend, eat Taiwanese food, speak some Chinese etc etc).
Before I went I tried to ask them how much money I would get paid. I wanted to be paid something if I was going to be on the TV making a complete fool of myself. They were very reluctant to tell me any figures and it was the equivalent of trying to get blood from a stone! He eventually succumbed to my persistent bashing of his head by informing me if I was selected to go on the TV there would be a payment made which was better than a kick in the teeth.
So off I went to the office of the TV station which was located on Nanjing Road. Once inside they started to interrogate me about my life. What did I do in Taiwan? Why was I here? What was my reason for choosing to come to Taiwan? All the usual questions really, and then he got onto his main point he wanted to ask.
How many girlfriends do you have? One I replied. The way he reacted was a typical stereotype of foreigners in Taiwan, yes there are foreigners running around banging all over. There are also a high number of foreigners happily with one girlfriend or wife. This is the same the world over but it seems Taiwan loves to sensationalise it.
So he replies "ONE???? ONLY ONE???? WHAT ABOUT THE OTHERS? TELL ME ABOUT THE OTHERS?"
So I told him, "No I only have one. Why would I have more than one when one is clearly enough. I don't need the hassle of having more than one girlfriend, and I am happy with one girlfriend. Why would I want more?"
At this point another bloke came in the room. He fancied himself as a bit of a wide boy, and a player but was really just a twat. When the guy asked me any questions from now the other guy in the room kept trying to answer for me. I told him I can bloody well answer myself. This other bloke worked in some Indian restaurant and was only too happy to tell them about how he has a different girlfriend here every day, and even has different phones so he can manage it all.
He then proceeds to start telling me, "Oh just tell them about your culture, or show them your culture." I tried to not get annoyed but he was pissing me off. I told him I can bloody well answer the questions myself and didn't need his help.
The real thoughts running through my head were to jump up on the table, boot him in the head and glass the bastard while letting out a roar of GEORDIE AGGRO then say...THERES MY BASTARD CULTURE YOU TWAT...HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT!!!!
I highly doubt he would of liked my culture, or the TV studio either for that matter!
After the questions they asked me to repeat Taiwanese sentences. I don't think I did too badly, anyway I wasn't selected for the show.
A few weeks later for some reason I was flicking through the TV. The show with the foreigners came on, and there was that twat who was in the interview with me telling the whole world about all his different girlfriends and no I'm not jealous!
I did want to shove my head into the TV and give him a nut mind you. Shouting CULTURE, ITS ONLY CULTURE!